I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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