my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
