I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize