Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(206): View more from Washington

I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner

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(410): View more from Maryland

cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me

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(404): View more from Georgia

I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.

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(925): View more from California

I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.

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(563): View more from Iowa

He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.

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(631): View more from New York

First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture

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