you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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