You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
