At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
