I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
