I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
