So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We were destined to go to rehab together
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
