How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
why do cheetos always look like penises
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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