Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Success! We fucked roommates!
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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