it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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