I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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