im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
