just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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