dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
