Bisexual people are plain selfish.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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