its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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