Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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