I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
