We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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