oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
