I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
