oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
