her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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