Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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