I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I need to stop coming to work sober
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
