Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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