Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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