John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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