I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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