i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
