We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
