My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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