i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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