Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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