youre lurking in front of me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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