When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
