I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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