The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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