i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
