I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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