I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
