he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
