I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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