I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you inspire me to be a worse person
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
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