if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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