hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
