I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
