I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
even my farts smell like vagina
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
