i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
