He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
This is the high leading the old right now
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
