I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
