I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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