If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Small penises have feelings too.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
