3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
