we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
