Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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